BRIAN-SEWELL.COM
Just A Minute

WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring BARRY CRYER, SU POLLARD, JOHN SERGEANT and BRIAN SEWELL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS
(TV, 30 April 1999)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes thank you, thank you. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute, this delightful and often outrageous game. And I have four delightful and outrageous players of the game who have joined me today. Let us first of all welcome a fine writer and also raconteur and comedian Barry Cryer. And beside Barry an irrepressible comedienne Su Pollard. And on my left that fine art critic Brian Sewell. And beside him the political correspondent John Sergeant. Please welcome all four of them. And as usual in this game I am going to ask them to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. They will score points according to how well they challenge. You’ll see how it all goes as we start the show with Barry Cryer. Barry, shorthand. That’s the subject. Tell us something about it in this game starting now.

BARRY CRYER: Isaac Pitman invented shorthand as he found longhand too arduous and time consuming. An amazing man who had a kidney shaped like a dressing table, he decided that too much of his life had been spent transcribing words at too slow a speed. He therefore..
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: And John Sergeant you challenged?

JOHN SARGENT: Yes, hesitation, he was slippering over speed.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: He was slippering just a little yes. John you have a correct challenge because I think it was hesitation, so you get a point for that and you take over the subject of shorthand and there are 45 seconds available starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: As a journalist I’m often asked how good is your shorthand? And my usual answer is excellent. I work very well with a ballpoint pen with tremendous little twists and turns as you would expect from someone who was trained as a Pitman writer. But on the other hand I have to explain that when I come to try and read it back, I can’t. So...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry you challenged.

BARRY CRYER: Hesitation.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes I think that was hesitation.

JOHN SARGENT: There was a laugh!

BARRY CRYER: Slippering, slippering all over the place!

JOHN SARGENT: No because... wait a moment, I don’t think that’s fair, there was a perfectly sensible and I thought well deserved laugh....

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I know and it didn’t come!

JOHN SARGENT: ... from the audience. I thought I would wait and allow the laugh to build before I came back in sharply...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: It’s one thing riding the laughs and trying to go through it. It’s another thing waiting for a laugh which never comes. John no no you did very well and you’re trying very hard but you had Barry on a very niggling hesitation and I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying Barry correct challenge to you, you have a point of course, you take back the subject of shorthand, there are 24 seconds available starting now.

BARRY CRYER: The inventor I mentioned earlier wrote to his lady friend called Fanny Waterman, not her real name but a pen of that er description...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John challenged.

JOHN SARGENT: An er, a straightforward er.

BARRY CRYER: Ohhhh!

SU POLLARD: Yes there was!

JOHN SARGENT: A dreadful er.

BARRY CRYER: To err is human.

JOHN SARGENT: No to er is to go wrong.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Don’t rub it in John! I agree with the challenge, you have the subject back with you shorthand, and another point of course and another 17 seconds starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: The most important point about my shorthand as I’ve tried to explain...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian Sewell has challenged.

BRIAN SEWELL: Point and ballpoint. He had a ballpoint...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: He had a ballpoint before and now he’s talking about point. There was a repetition of the same word, well listened Brian yes.

JOHN SARGENT: In the House of Commons the Speaker wouldn’t have stopped that.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: This is not the House of Commons, John!

SU POLLARD: Excuse me! The participants in the House of Commons are dafter than we are!

BARRY CRYER: Fair point!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: But they don’t get so many laughs and they don’t get that kind of rounds of applause either! Well listened, he did repeat the point...

BRIAN SEWELL: Can you tell me what the subject is, I’ve forgotten it! It’s been too long since we’ve been discussing it!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I know Brian I always give the subject before anybody starts. And it is shorthand and you have 14 seconds starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: A short hand is a man who is employed at very short notice ...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: And who’s challenged. It was John.

JOHN SARGENT: Deviation.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Why?

JOHN SARGENT: Well this very short man at short notice...

BRIAN SEWELL: No, no, no, no...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: It doesn’t matter, no, no, John, John...

JOHN SARGENT: Well we were wandering off, weren’t we? Into people who were very tall and very short...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You’re getting political like they do the politicians...

JOHN SARGENT: Can we just clear up this point? Are we talking about shorthand writing or people with very short hands?

BARRY CRYER: Yes Brian tell us!

BRIAN SEWELL: We are talking about shorthand. Shall I begin?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian you are really winning them over! Let me explain to John because I don’t want him to get into like a politician and niggle over things that don’t matter. In Just A Minute you can interpret the word in any way you wish as long as you do not hesitate, repeat another word, or deviate from the subject. Brian was going off on his particular way as he usually does, and I think it was a quite enchanting way actually! so Brian gets another point for an incorrect challenge, he has nine seconds available starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: Shorthand... oh well, I’ve already said that...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Carry on! Nobody’s challenged you quickly!

BRIAN SEWELL: Ah...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Oh you’ve lost it!

JOHN SARGENT: No you encouraged me Chairman.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I know! All right. Hesitation. You only had two seconds to go, shorthand John starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: Shorthand is a way...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: And Barry you challenged.

BARRY CRYER: Smugness!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Right...

BARRY CRYER: Repetition of smugness! No, no, no!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No, no, a bonus point to Barry because we enjoyed his interruption but John was interrupted. John you have half a second on shorthand starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: Shorthand...

WHISTLE

NICHOLAS PARSONS: There’s the whistle! Whoever is speaking or even endeavouring to speak when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was John Sergeant. John has taken a commanding lead at the end of that round. And who’s going to take the next round? Su Pollard, oh yes let's hear from you Su. Here’s a subject, oh lovely subject for you, chocaholics, Tell us something about chocaholics in Just A Minute starting now.

SU POLLARD: Several people...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS : And Barry?

BARRY CRYER: Hesitation.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes I’m sorry ...

SU POLLARD: No excuse me, I was gulping! Copious amounts of air because at this point I really wanted to get through the whole of the minute. You see...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: But Su darling, I’m sorry, I have to interrupt you, because I mean they don’t always challenge as rapidly as that. But I have to tell you I’ve got a clock in front of me and it says you went for three seconds gulping without saying a word and that must be interpreted as hesitation. Barry...

BARRY CRYER: Yes?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You have a correct challenge for hesitation and you have 57 seconds starting, on chocaholics starting now.

BARRY CRYER: One of the most illustrious chocaholics must have been Willy Wonka, the well known misprint who inhabited...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John Sargent has challenged.

JOHN SARGENT: You can’t be a misprint. Willy Wonka can’t be a misprint!

BARRY CRYER: He was known affectionately as a misprint. That was the context John.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I recognise now some of the problems the politicians have when you’re chatting to them John. That was a correct challenge, you have a point, you have 49 seconds, chocaholics, starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: Chocaholics are particularly pleased when they see on the menu Death By Chocolate written in the dessert section...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes?

SU POLLARD: Yes I think John realises there there was a slight sort of hesitation and he realised what he said then didn’t he and was quite...
BUZZ

BRIAN SEWELL: Two realises.

SU POLLARD: But I was trying to explain it...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Sit down, darling, sit down, please...

SU POLLARD: Okay, fine.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Play the game, I will give it to you, you have the subject...

SU POLLARD: I like to stand up because sometimes your things get creased while you’re sat down!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You have 40 seconds, chocaholics, starting now.

SU POLLARD: Many people throughout the world have been afflicted with EABS syndrome. Eat And Be Sick, the prime subject of which is attributed to chocolate. Unfortunately for those addicted to this devious and abysmal form of dessert, it can be...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry you’ve challenged.

BARRY CRYER: How can chocolate can be devious?

SU POLLARD: Well it is because it’s telling you one thing and it’s making you react in a different way...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Listen Su, don’t justify that, I..

BARRY CRYER: Chocolate talks to you?

SU POLLARD: It does in a form of physicality...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Well Su I’m with you, I mean the idea of chocolate can be very devious to some people so I'm going to give Su the benefit of the doubt and ask her to continue having taken her gulps for 23 seconds on chocaholics starting now.

SU POLLARD: Unfortunately to a lot of people who do find this...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian?

BRIAN SEWELL: I think she said unfortunately in the last gulp!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: She did unfortunately! You did say that, that is repetition, so Brian you have a point now and you have 19 seconds on chocaholics starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: I wasn't to tell you about the Emperor Hero Glavius who was one of the late and more decadent emperors of Rome who came from Syria and brought eastern nasty habits with him, one of which was of course the senators of Rome who...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John?

JOHN SARGENT: Two mentions of Rome.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes I’m afraid...

SU POLLARD: Yeah! Yeah!

BARRY CRYER: Yeah!

JOHN SARGENT: I want to take them all with me!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Listen I don’t know about you all... You can’t run the show as well as participate! John Sergeant, you have a correct challenge, another point of course, four seconds on chocaholics, starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: The trouble about...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian Sewell...

BRIAN SEWELL: That was a pronounced hesitation.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You’re right he went for two seconds without saying anything!

JOHN SARGENT: My God!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: So Brian you cleverly got in with two seconds to go on chocaholics starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: There was a...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Why have you challenged?

BARRY CRYER: So was that!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No it wasn’t! He started instantaneously, I will not have it. Right Brian you’ve got another point, you got another challenge against you, you’ve got one second left, chocaholics starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: P-p-p-p-p-p...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes you’ve been challenged again, another incorrect challenge, you have another point Brian Sewell...

JOHN SARGENT: Hesitation saying wa-wa-wa-wa.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian did not start speaking until I said now so this wa-wa-wa-wa came before he was supposed to start, so it was an incorrect challenge and he has half a second on chocaholics starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: Half the courtiers of Rome...
WHISTLE

NICHOLAS PARSONS: As I said before in this highly animated show whoever is speaking or endeavouring to speak when the whistle goes gains the extra point, it was in this case Brian Sewell and Brian got many points in that round and has leaped forward. He’s now equal with John Sergeant who is so competitive. We’ve never had anyone like him on Just A Minute, but I won’t inhibit it. We will keep it going and say that it’s Brian Sewell’s turn to begin. Brian the subject is euro, tell us something about that in this game starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: Euro is really a pre... prefix for...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Su?

SU POLLARD: Obviously can’t speak!

BRIAN SEWELL: I’m actually very glad indeed to lose the subject!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Su a correct challenge and you have the subject. You have the euro and you have 57 seconds starting now.

SU POLLARD: The euro has become a bone of contention with several worldwide leaders. The firstly and most important thing being...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry Cryer’s challenged.

BARRY CRYER: Well you nearly reported leader. Does that count?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry challenged, Barry the subject is euro and you have 51 seconds starting now.

BARRY CRYER: As a swimmer in the Euro sceptic tank, I have always regarded that continent with acute suspicion. Accuse me of being a little Englander, jingoistic, xenophobic...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes?

SU POLLARD: Oh I think I made a terrible... he didn’t say accuse twice did he?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No he didn’t. No, no so he was interrupted, he gets a point for that and he continues for 42 seconds on the euro starting now.

BARRY CRYER: The very word inspires in me paranoia, apprehension and an acute feeling of isolation. We, this small island, this precious jewel set in a silver sea, isola...
BUZZ

BARRY CRYER: ..ted!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes what’s the matter Su?

SU POLLARD: I’m sure he said sea twice!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No...

SU POLLARD: Didn’t he say sea earlier on?

BARRY CRYER: I said...

JOHN SARGENT: I-see-lated he said.

BARRY CRYER: Isolated but then I, I, I.... ..nenenenenen!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I think you’re all getting far too competitive, let the show flow a little. Barry an incorrect challenge continue for
30 seconds on the euro starting now.

BARRY CRYER: And indeed I sometimes wake in the morning and think you are wrong, revise your thoughts. Think again about the continent across the channel, la Mange as our French colleagues call it and then...
BUZZ

BARRY CRYER: Thank you John, I’m so grateful!

JOHN SARGENT: It’s le Mange!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: It’s le Mange and not La Mange!

JOHN SARGENT: It’s Le Mange, perfectly straightforward French!

BARRY CRYER: Wonderful general!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John you get more pompous by the minute!

JOHN SARGENT: Well I just thought we were on a proper bilingual show. I didn’t know that we were doing...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: We’re also on a comedy show as well! So try to...

JOHN SARGENT: Oh right!

BARRY CRYER: It’s a couple of misplaced articles, it happens! Le Mange!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Le Mange I agree, correct challenge John you ahve the subject of the euro and there are 16 seconds starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: The euro is one of those topics the Americans call mego subjects, m-e-g-o, my eyes glaze over. Journalists find it very interesting..
BUZZ

BARRY CRYER: Did you say m-e-g-o?

JOHN SARGENT: Yes.

BARRY CRYER: Mega?

JOHN SARGENT: Mego subjects.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: M-e-g-o?

BARRY CRYER: Ah! Not mega on it’s own it’s m-e-g-a.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Why would people say m-e-g-o when they want to say mega?

JOHN SARGENT: No...

BRIAN SEWELL: He’s just explained that.

JOHN SARGENT: I’ve just explained that. It’s the first letters of the words my, muh, m...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes?

JOHN SARGENT: ...eyes, e, glaze, g and o for over...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Oh I see...

JOHN SARGENT: Mego, a mego subject.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I don’t really...

JOHN SARGENT: It’s a technical term.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Right so it was an incorrect challenge, you have 6 seconds on the mego, no not the mego! He’s got me so
confused now, the euro, starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: The most important thing you have to know about the euro at the moment is that it does not exist as banknotes. It exists in cyber...

WHISTLE
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: So John Sergeant was speaking then as the whistle went, gained that extra point, even though Su spotted that repetition there but challenged just a teeny weensy bit too late. John Sergeant has increased his lead, he’s just ahead of Brian Sewell who’s one point ahead of Barry Cryer and then comes Su Pollard in that order.

SU POLLARD: Oh God!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: It’s the contribution my love!

SU POLLARD: What’s the definition of depressed!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John Sergeant it’s your turn to begin. A good Samaritan... no wait for me to say start now or otherwise we’re going to have the same problem as before. Sixty seconds starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: A good Samaritan can be extremely boring. If you follow them behind them in the street..
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Follow them behind them!

JOHN SARGENT: Follow them behind them...

BRIAN SEWELL: If you follow them behind them...

BARRY CRYER: Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes! Yes! Hohoho!

JOHN SARGENT: Oh I’m going now! That’s it, I’m finished! I’ve done my best..

SU POLLARD: Oh you were doing ever so well!

BARRY CRYER: I am so happy now I can’t tell you!

JOHN SARGENT: It’s horrible when everyone gangs up against you, you really have been horrible.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No no you’ve been hoisted by your own grammatical petard!

JOHN SARGENT: All right!

SU POLLARD: Oooohh! Ahhhh!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Correct challenge Brian Sewell you have a good Samaritan 55 seconds starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: A good Samaritan is one who sits in an office answering the telephone, while people who wish to commit suicide or who have already taken far too many drugs and will not recover if someone, if somebody does not do something about it rather quickly...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John?

JOHN SARGENT: Two somethings!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Two somethings I’m afraid so you have the subject back again...

BRIAN SEWELL: I only said one! I’m not going to argue!

SU POLLARD: Yeah he was...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Listen don’t you keep joining in on everybody else’s argument, please Su!

SU POLLARD: But he’s got a ploy, he mumbles! So you can’t tell anything he’s said! Mmmmmm! So you’ve got to dive in when you think necessary and hope for the best!

BRIAN SEWELL: We can’t all shout like you!

SU POLLARD No! Projection Brian!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John Sergeant it is your turn to begin. No, it isn’t your turn to begin. John you have the subject with a correct challenge and there are 43 seconds, it is a good Samaritan starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: A good Samaritan makes you think what about bad Samaritans? Or average to good? You never hear about them.
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry?

BARRY CRYER: The subject is good Samaritans, not bad or average...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No, no, no, that’s a nit picky type of, no, no, you can still compare them. He wasn’t deviating from good Samaritans...

BRIAN SEWELL: There was a hesitation.

BARRY CRYER: There was a hesitation.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: But you did not challenge for hesitation.

BRIAN SEWELL: Well we were waiting for you to adjudicate on the challenge that there was.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You cannot have a secondary challenge or a supplementary challenge!

SU POLLARD: Yeah and there were two goods!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: My goodness...
BUZZ

SU POLLARD: He said two goods.

NICHOLAS PARSONS : I know darling...

SU POLLARD: I’m just challenging...

NICHOLAS PARSONS : Good is on the subject on the card, a good Samaritan, so you can repeat it. You can repeat the subject on the card as often as you wish...

SU POLLARD: Ohhh!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: ... within reason.

SU POLLARD: Oh sorry I thought I was on Ready Steady Cook. I was totally confused, I’m really sorry! I thought I was a green apple and a red pepper, and I suddenly realised oh wrong programme.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John Sergeant that was an incorrect challenge...

JOHN SARGENT: Yes thank you chairman...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You could have been had for hesitation...

JOHN SARGENT: I’m beginning to like you a lot more now. The more you work the more I like you.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: A good Samaritan, with you John and there are 36 seconds starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: So how can you tell whether someone is a good Samaritan? You can tell because...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS : Yes well done Brian two tells.

BRIAN SEWELL: Two tells.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: On a repetition, 32 seconds for Brian Sewell on a good Samaritan now.

BRIAN SEWELL: I don’t think I want this subject, it’s far too boring!
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry got in first.

BARRY CRYER: I was doing it on behalf of Brian, he doesn’t want the subject!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: So he hesitated and you have the subject, 28 seconds, another point of course, a good Samaritan, starting now.

BARRY CRYER: Our noble Home Secretary Jack Straw approached a boy expectorating and spitting in the street, with no fear of the consequences or physical harm that might befall him, although he was albeit accompanied by his security entourage. He then went on television radio and in the public print to inform us of this and exhort us to...

BUZZ

BRIAN SEWELL: Was this on Clapham Common?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: What I do there is give a bonus point to Brian Sewell for a comment that we loved so much, but as Barry Cryer was interrupted he gets a point for the interruption and he continues and there are 10 seconds available, a good Samaritan starting now.

BARRY CRYER: Have a go was the maxim he exhorted from us and indeed to us and by us and I wish I were dead!
BUZZ

SU POLLARD: Yes all of those us!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes darling I agree with your challenge, it’s all right! You don’t have to fight for it all the time!

SU POLLARD: Oh I’m sorry! It’s just that I get so excited!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I know you do...

SU POLLARD: It’s like when you’re going down the aisle!

BARRY CRYER: It doesn’t show Su! It doesn’t show!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Su Pollard you have four seconds to tell us something about a good Samaritan starting now.

SU POLLARD: And it’s wonderful when you get...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian Sewell?

BRIAN SEWELL: That was a definite hesitation.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I’m afraid you went for two and a half seconds...

SU POLLARD: Oh you shocker..

BRIAN SEWELL: Way slow!

SU POLLARD: Oh you’re wrong, two and a half seconds is one... two...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: And that’s what you went for! Brian you have one and a half seconds on a good Samaritan starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: A good Samaritan obviously derives from the good Samaritan...
WHISTLE

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian Sewell was speaking then as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. He’s equal with John Sergeant in the lead and then comes Barry Cryer and Su Pollard in that order. And Barry we’re back with you....

BARRY CRYER: Oh!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: ... to begin. The subject now is fungus! Tell us something about that subject.... it’s made the audience laugh already! Right! Tell us something about that subject starting now.

BARRY CRYER: What do you called a when, well endowed mush...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I knew you were going to tell that gag and you blew it! Yes I knew!

BARRY CRYER: It served me right!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I know! And in this particular game he’s got a good gag there. John it was a correct challenge and...

SU POLLARD: No...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: What?

SU POLLARD: My my er button lit up!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I know darling but his came on first.

SU POLLARD: Did it? No it didn’t did it!

JOHN SARGENT: Oh yes it did!

BARRY CRYER: Oh no it didn’t!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Su Pollard we’re going to give it to you because we love you. And you have... oh the audience liked that didn’t they!

BARRY CRYER: I think they’d like him for the minute!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Right you have 58 seconds to tell us something about fungus starting now.

SU POLLARD: Fungus is a particularly insidious form of horrendous growth that can be found on clothes that have been kept in the cupboard with a lot of damp, because I know that to my effect, my, my...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian challenged.

BRIAN SEWELL: I think there’s a distinction between fungus and mould.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I think there is, it’s mould that you are talking about my love.

SU POLLARD: Well of course it is but I mean it’s just a posh word for it really! Aint it!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian I agree with the challenge, another point to you, and there are 46 seconds for you, fungus, starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: When I was in the Army which is a very long time ago we were warned against various forms of body fungus...
BUZZ

BARRY CRYER: There was a hesitation before body I thought.

SU POLLARD: Yeah!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I know, he was struggling to get going and oh I don’t know, it’s a difficult decision, all right! We want to hear the joke Barry! So we give you the benefit, I give you the benefit of the doubt...

BARRY CRYER: Repetition of the joke!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: And I always try and balance this some time...

BARRY CRYER: I can’t repeat the joke!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You haven’t started the joke!

BARRY CRYER: No I’ve started it and if I do it now, it’ll be repetition!

BRIAN SEWELL: No we can remember how it began.

BARRY CRYER: So I come in half way through?

BRIAN SEWELL: Please do.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No I tell you what, they’re going to be very generous, they’ll let you repeat the beginning of the joke...

BARRY CRYER: Who will?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John Sergeant particularly because he wants to hear the joke...

BRIAN SEWELL: No, no, the thing, the thing is to allow him to say the first words of the joke u p to the point at which he comes in and then you...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I say now..

BRIAN SEWELL: You say now...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Well done Brian, would you like to take over?

BRIAN SEWELL: Mmmm please!

BARRY CRYER: So where am I now in this?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You have 41 seconds, the subject is fungus, start telling the joke and I will say now half way through... this is an absolutely ridiculous idea! You can repeat the first...

BARRY CRYER: I can change the wording!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No listen you can repeat the first part of the joke and none of them will challenge you for that because we want to hear the joke. You have 41 seconds on fungus starting now.

BARRY CRYER: What do you call a well endowed mushroom? A fun guy to be with! I remember hearing this from a school chum, a compatriot and colleague of mine at Leeds Grammar Academy of that afore mentioned name. His was Augustus...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes Brian?

BRIAN SEWELL: Is Yorkshire a different country? He said compatriot.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes he’s a compatriot and came from Yorkshire. What’s wrong with that?

BRIAN SEWELL: It is a different country?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: No it isn’t...

BARRY CRYER: If you’re from Leeds emotionally, Yorkshire is a country.

BRIAN SEWELL: There is no such thing as emotion in Leeds!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: So Barry an incorrect challenge there are 26 seconds, fungus, starting now.

BARRY CRYER: Augustus Gridley a classmate of mine at school known to everyone as Fun Gus, used to relate jokes having rolling about on the floor, banging our desk lids, flinging bits of chalk, hitting each other with rulers as he told yet another of his amazing anecdotes. What went down particularly well was regarding the Titanic which had (starts to giggle)...
BUZZ

BARRY CRYER: Mummy! Mummy!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: It was John Sergeant who buzzed first.

BARRY CRYER: Oh yes! Oh!

SU POLLARD: Fancy!

BARRY CRYER: Little Lord Fauntleroy over there!

JOHN SARGENT: Just because I said la Mange that’s it isn’t it?

BARRY CRYER: Yes! I know! Yes! Yes!

JOHN SARGENT: It’s a big mistake!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: It was a correct challenge and so he got in with two seconds to go, fungus, with you John starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: One of the most exciting fun guys if one...

WHISTLE

NICHOLAS PARSONS: John Sargent was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point, he’s increased his lead just ahead of Brian Sewell followed by Barry and Su in that order. And Su Pollard your turn to begin. Put your water down, take your gulps, get in the mood...

SU POLLARD: Just a minute!

BARRY CRYER: Have a go!

SU POLLARD: I’ve got to stop laughing now, because I bet it’s going to be disastrous again! No you’ll be fine Su, you’ll get there!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: You’ll be fine Su! We’ve all got great confidence in you! You have 60 seconds if you want to use it all, and the subject, you can use as many as you like! Bank statements! I’m sure you’ve got experience of those! Tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

SU POLLARD: Oh that dreaded day when the awful envelope drops onto the mat! And then you understandably want to punch the postman in the face! Because on reflection you realise what is involved with this communication that is inside the envelope. But then you pick it up...
BUZZ

BARRY CRYER: Repetition of envelope.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes too many envelopes.

SU POLLARD: Oh is that what I said?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes.

BRIAN SEWELL: Very bad grammar!

SU POLLARD: Oh well at least I won’t... I was just about to say at least I won’t be returned unopened!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I don’t think we’ll go down that route too far if you don’t mind! We could be..

SU POLLARD: Oh I’m so upset!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry you had a correct challenge and you have 46 seconds, bank statements starting now.

BARRY CRYER: One of the most amazing bank statements I ever came across was an angler on the riverside who had one arm! And I approached him and said "how are you getting on" and he replied "I just caught one this big!" (holding out just one hand) I have never forgotten that man! I admired him enormously, wanting to be of his ilk myself with rod and reel and flies and bait! I approached the tailors and said "I want a suit..."
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: What do you want Su?

SU POLLARD: Well I think he’s, without taking anything away, he’s just stunning Barry, stunning. But he went I approached...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: And you call that hesitation?

SU POLLARD: Well no because he was falling over his teeth...

NICHOLAS PARSONS: All right darling it was a tough challenge but we’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

BARRY CRYER: I think your earrings are clouding your hearing!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: So come on Su, it’s the subject you started, carry on with it, you have 23 seconds for bank statements starting now.

SU POLLARD: With all the things that Barry has just said I would like to add to said equipment that people do use when they’re out trying to get...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry?

BARRY CRYER: I didn’t understand a word!

BRIAN SEWELL: Nor did she!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: So deviation from...

BARRY CRYER: It wasn’t even gibberish! It was the full jibber!

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Barry you have the subject back again, you have bank statements and there are 15 seconds starting now.

BARRY CRYER: At the tailors I requested a suit of Norfolk tweeds. The practitioner of that sartorial art said...
BUZZ

BARRY CRYER: What?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Yes?

JOHN SARGENT: Suctorial.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Sictorial?

JOHN SARGENT: Suctorial. Suctorial.

SU POLLARD: Suctorial.

BARRY CRYER: I’m having trouble with my initial letters of words.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: I think you’re under pressure and sometimes words come out unintentionally incorrectly and we call that deviation from pronounciation...

BARRY CRYER: Yes indeed! And it is La Mange! Yes!

JOHN SARGENT: Right! Thank you! All those who travel across La Mange this summer will know all about it because of what we’ve said on this programme.

BARRY CRYER: Yes I suppose so.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: So tune in to Just A Minute and have your education improved. John Sergeant...

JOHN SARGENT: Yes?

NICHOLAS PARSONS: This is the last round, there are only eight seconds available, but it’s bank statements with you John starting now.

JOHN SARGENT: Bank statements used to be very exciting because you didn’t know what was going to be in your bank. But nowadays all you’ve got to do is to find out what’s going to be in the cash dispenser or...
BUZZ

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian?

BRIAN SEWELL: Two what's.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Brian Sewell has got in very cleverly with half a second to go on bank statements starting now.

BRIAN SEWELL: I don’t open the envelope!

WHISTLE

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Well Brian Sewell then managing to speak as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And what an exciting contest, and what an over excited team I’ve had to cope with. But points have been scored. Su Pollard came just in fourth place behind Barry Cryer. But equal number of points were scored between Brian Sewell and John Sergeant so we say they are equal joint winners today! We do hope that you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. On behalf of our four talented players of the game Barry Cryer, Su Pollard, Brian Sewell, John Sergeant, from me Nicholas Parsons, from them, goodbye, be with us the next time we play Just A Minute. Until then goodbye.

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